WACKY ONE-LINERS

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong

Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.

It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well. - Rene Descartes

Beware of the young doctor and the old barber. - Benjamin Franklin

   Thank God I'm an atheist.

  We always like those who admire us; we do not always
  like those whom we admire. - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

  There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

  Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. - Jim Davis

A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their prejudices. - Edward R. Murrow

A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple. - John Florio

A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Being young is a fault that diminishes daily.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. - Woody Allen

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? - Ursula K. LeGuin

If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work. - Ogden Nash

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. - Laurence J. Peter

If you can't convince 'em, confuse 'em....

I can give you a definite perhaps. - Samuel Goldwyn

Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to shop....

He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers

The less we know, the longer the explanation.

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. - Abe Lemons

If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter. - John Gotti

"Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm."